WImp

I am going to my first WI meeting tonight. I am not entirely sure how I feel about it. I know it’s a trendy thing to do and I’m looking forward to meeting ladies of the community but it will surely be where all the beautiful young things hang out showing off the wide array of skills they have accumulated on top of being beautiful, having perfect children, rugged husbands, sprawling mansions and wearing flawless dresses. I realise my WI views are based on the 1950s.

I am not sure I have any of those 5 things. Well, Mr A is rugged. In fact he puts the caveman UG in rugged but I think he is too rugged to impress at the WI. Over-rugged for this purpose. I don’t have a sprawling mansion or perfect children nor am I beautiful and I don’t think Matalan makes flawless dresses. I like to think that’s their charm. Along with the price. And child suffering.

My real concern is if there is a woman test I am not sure if I will pass. I am not the womanliest woman. I make lots of smells and find it funny. Still. Increasingly if anything. On awaking this morning I did a burp that sounded like a goat noise. It was brilliant and made me want to tell all but I don’t think that will make the women of the WI embrace me. Also I find the word fanny amusing and one of best things I ever did with my step-children was to get them to read aloud this list without laughing: bogey face, poo head, bum bum, willy, snot, wee wee, dinkle, boobies, plop. An excellent piece of step-parenting but not very WI.

My saving grace is my womanly curves. I think the best thing to do is to wear something tight so as to show them off and to keep my bodily functions under wraps. Much like going on a date. In fact I will treat it exactly like that right down to not sleeping with them. Tonight at least.

In other news I fought with 2 spiders today. (Not simultaneously, are you an actual mental?) I won. They no longer reside in this house. In your faces spider community not on my face for once, this girl just got spider brave.

Biscuit count: 2 and just to dip in tea. My, what a grown-up. Now that might impress the WI…

NB. nobody got further than bum bum. Myself included. We’re only human.