Under the Sea

How is it possible to ever be under the sea? In. On. By. Near. Next to. Above. But never, ever, under. Not without alot of digging.

I partly blame Disney. In particular, Howard Ashman, (lyricist on The Little Mermaid) but then the song sounds rubbish with just 'in'.

I think its more fun to be under something than in it although both have their merits: under the bed or in the bed? Its a tough choice.

What about the underground? That is technically both under the ground and in the ground. Is the sea like the ground? In which case you can be under it without any digging. I guess you can be under some of the sea, just not all of it. In which case the song, and subsequent phrase should be 'Under Some Sea'.

This is trickier than I first imagined. Like that game where you have to get the wire thing round the mini-rollercoaster without touching it and making it buzz. Or jigsaw puzzles. Or getting rid of thrush.

Being 27- Month 1

I have decided that in the year in which I am aged 27 I will make every month count. I thought I would enjoy being 27 and to make sure this is the case I would do something positive and enjoyable each month.

I have now been 27 for one month and what I have done this month is learned how to shave my legs.

I've been leg-shaving for years. I reckon 15 of them But it is only now that I can actually do it properly.

The first time I shaved my legs I only shaved the front and up to my knee. About 4 strips worth. Turns out you have to shave all round your legs: backs, tops, sides AND fronts. I got quickly better at it but then plateaued at being an average shaver and always ALWAYS missing a strip. When you ran your hand up/down/over my leg it would be smooth-ish and then you'd encounter a furry patch which would make you quickly withdraw and try to hide the horror on your face usually resulting in a pained smile. Since turning 27, however, I have shaved my legs (with conditioner) most times I'm in the shower and moisturised after. This has meant that my legs are way less hairy in general and when I inevitably miss a strip its not such a problem as there is not enough hair to create fur. Also they are soft, silky and tangle free.

I am looking forward to what month 2 brings.

Groups of People I've Been Annoyed By Today/Idiots - 2

. Boring people on facebook
Today I have been notified that 3 of my friends like: 'Eating'. Are you kidding me? Eating?! Do they also enjoy 'Sitting down' and 'Breathing'. The mind boggles.

Another hateful one: 'If I was meant to be controlled I would of came with a remote control'. This is all kinds of wrong. I'm pretty sure I can't bear the sentiment but nor can I get to it through the sea of dirty grammar and awful use of the English language. Hateful.

Someone else joined: 'Don't fall in love, fall from a bridge it hurts less'. Do us all a favour and fall from that bridge of which you so tenderly speak. I mean, really...

I also hate this brand of status update: 'on my way to work checking in at waterloo station' and then later the same day 'on my way home from work' and the next day 'stressful day at work'. Unbearable. Nobody cares about your work and where you are in relation to it both physically and/or emotionally.

This annoyed me recently too: 'Matt has built a wood shed to keep our wood in ready for the winter. He is quite a handy Andy lol.' LOL?! What on earth is lol-able about that? That is a statement. And not an amusing one. Its pure fact. Facts are rarely lol-able unless they are about the state of someone's ginger-goatee, someone falling over or a dog with wheels.

Dogs with wheels. Now thats something I could happily lol my arse off about. Along with monkeys riding dogs and dogs in clothes standing up. Dogs get me everytime...

Dove is a many splendoured thing

I recently remebered that I had run over a white pigeon.

I also remembered that a white pigeon is a dove and dove's represent love.

Does that mean I have killed love? And if so, who's? Mine? I was test-driving my Dad's car at the time so does that mean I killed his love?

Could be why I am now single and he is having an affair.

Although I am only single-ish and if he's having an affair surely he has too much love. In fact we're both love-abundant: labundant. (Way better than labotomy).

In which case. Maybe we should all kill doves. I am now pro-dove hunting. I'll organise it. It'll be like a mini fox hunt and we can use guinea pigs as the beagles and ride on large dogs. What a sight we'd look charging through Trafalgar Square! Incidentally, I like it when you squeeze guinea pigs and they make that squeak noise. They can be our bugle equivalent.

Speaking of squeezing things, squeezy cheese is never acceptable. Especially the prawn flavour one. I can think of few things worse and they involve bodily waste and would never be spread on my toast either. Conversely, I like the idea of Cheese-Strings. Stringy things fine, squeezy things not fine.

Biscuit-itis

I can't stop eating biscuits. I think it might be medical. I think I have Biscuit-itis.

The symptoms are: having a crumby face, feeling sick and lack of concentration.

I'm not sure I'm funny enough to be fat.

Groups of People I've Been Annoyed By Today/Idiots - 1

. People who don't press the button at the crossing
They were there before you and you may assume that they had pressed the button but no, they haven't. How long would they have waited had you not come along and pressed it? Nobody knows. Possibly forever. These people are idiots.

. People who join the people waiting at the crossing and don't check the button has been pressed
These people are also idiots but it is not their fault as much as the above. However, people who join people waiting at said crossing and don't check the button has been pressed but stand NEXT TO the button, thus preventing anybody else from seeing whether the button has been pressed and creating a general feeling of button-pressed-ness, they are real idiots.

. People who stand really close to you when there is oodles of space
Why so close? Waiting on a train platform the other day a lady stood far too close to me. I could have touched her. But didn't. She was probably an arms-length away. Then a man chose to walk BETWEEN us. There was space either side of us but instead of over-shoot or under-shoot that specific spot for crossing to the other platform, he went between. Idiot.

. People who amble
My least favourite type of ambler is the one on a busy street who bumbles about and takes no notice of the speed of other walkers. They willy nilly wander into your lane and don't check before pulling out. These people are idiots. 

I Suck

I made something big and questionable for lunch in an over-creative ultimately weird way. I ate half but decided it would be best if the dog consumed the rest. He licks his own parts, puts his face in other dogs' bottoms and carries his ball in his mouth even when it has rolled into poo, but would not touch my innovative lunch.

Then I called my grandparents, not seen them for a while and thought we could arrange meeting up. Turns out their social calendar is full for a fortnight and they can next fit me in in August. AUGUST?! I am their only and beloved grand-daughter!They ended the conversation with "no point making plans this far in advance, something may come up."

Then I walked past a 13 year old smugly carrying his newspaper delivery bag and rubbing it in my face that even he has a job.

Snubbed by a dog, shunned by my own grandparents, shamed by a teenager: I suck.

Sponzy

I have always used the word bonk to describe an eye that is a bit puffy/closed/crossed/bloodshot/odd but I think the word sponzy is just as good. I don't think its an actual word but I do think it describes a bonk eye perfectly. Observe:

"Morning, please excuse my sponzy eye"
"Argh, that went right in my eye and now its all sponzy"
"I'm here about my sponzy eye, doctor"

I need a job.

Weather Dressing

I hate being too hot.

If its a really hot day there is nothing that angers me more than seeing someone in a jumper.

The people that keep their jumpers on in the heat are probably the same people who complain about adverts and call the father of their children 'daddy' even when the children aren't there and like Claire Sweeney.

Freckle Census

I thought I'd count my freckles. Like a census. To see if in 1 week, 1 month and 3 months I have more or less.

This is so much trickier than you'd think. I have bazillions. Some of my freckles reside in clumps, gangs and gaggles and I can't see the distinction between each individual freckle so have to guestimate an amount. This relies on there being an average freckle size but I have titchy tiny ones and big ones. 

I am mainly freckly on my cheeks but started to count on my forehead. If you see me from more than a metre away you can't even see the freckles on my forehead yet on the right hand side alone of just my forehead I have 76 freckles. 76!

I am not sure I have enough time even in my unemployed, homeless, single state to count them all. There will be no Freckle Census today.

Note re Baby Names

I feel very strongly about the Baby Names thing however, this does not apply to pet names. In fact, its quite the opposite. Steve the dog, Paul the horse, Kevin the Hamster, Ken the budgie, Brian the goldfish and Barry the cat are all very welcome in my Priministerial territory. I wholeheartedly encourage this. That is the way to honour your ancestors. Name pets after them.

Baby Names

If I were ever prime minister I would set a few ground rules and the first and foremost would be Baby Names. I hate it when people call their child Steve. What baby actually looks like a Steve? Bring me one. Seriously. If you can find me a new born who is absolutely rocking the name Steve, you can call him that. Otherwise, not on your nelly. Same goes for Paul, Kevin, Ken and all those other boring names people insist on perpetuating. I don’t need to list them all (although if I were PM I would. To save confusion.) I do understand that some names have a family tradition but respect your family by being interesting and original or change one letter: Ken to Ben. Paul to Saul. Kevin to Bevin.

I wonder if this would create an underground, renegade Steve-Gang called The Real Steves or something.... Anyway I would rather you called her Wigwamjellyelbow than Pam.

Little bit like Jesus?

I have half the number of followers Jesus did. But I don't call them/you disciples. Thats so AD. And one of his wasn't himself. That aside,does that make me half as good as Jesus?

Mumbles

My Mum puts the mum in mumbles.

Clumsy

I'm very clumsy and I keep wearing shorts. The upshot of this is bruised shins. I'm an idiot.