Bladder Control

People who need to go the toilet during a film, especially at the cinema, are ridiculous. Who can't control themselves and their bladder for between 90 and 180 minutes? Answer: nobody. It is painstakingly paranoid: painanoid.

If these people really do have a problem I am sure they could see their way to going immediately before and after the film, miss the trailers and the credits if you must. Surely you manage to not wet the bed most nights? Which is atleast a 6 hour stretch of no toilet. Therefore, why oh why oh why at the crux of Harry Potter the final film in a series of films which I assume you have been involved in for the last 5-11 years of your life, does your bladder give you the signal? It makes less than any sense to me. The moment old Wee-Wee-Wendy, if that was her real name, excused herself to her husband and pottered (no pun intended) off to relieve herself (urinarily I assume) was a very very VERY crucial moment. She had invested time and money into seeing this film yet her tiny little bladder halted her enjoyment. Not to mention her husband's and everso slightly mine. Good job I'm so easy going...

I realise I am the opposite extreme and incredibly lazy when it comes to weeing. If I could, I would save up and go twice a week. Like I do with the sweetie shop. And yes, thank you for asking, I have given myself cystitis. Twice. And not the sexy kind.  However, people do not need to wee that often. They must just like it. It must be their hobby.What a rubbish hobby.

Fanny

What a brilliant word. I can never imagine it not being funny.

Olden days people called Fanny? Funny
American people calling a bum bag a fanny pack? Funny
Discovering Fanny the Musical from 1954? Funny
Fanny, West Virginia? Funny
Episode of Murder, She Wrote where Jessica falls "...right on her fanny"? Funny
Lesser known Bee Gees song 'Fanny, (Be Tender with My Love)? Funny
Putting fanny into Wikipedia and seeing it written so many times in a serious manner on one page? Really really really funny.

I wonder if willy is the same or whether thats just childish.

Ill Noise

Either my laptop or my stomach just made the longest most grumbly and bad sounding noise. One of us is about to be ill. Very ill by the sounds of it.

I don't know which to plump for. Its like choosing a favourite child. Or between pizza and curry. Or which disease to die from.

Being 27 - Month 2

I have now been 27 for two months and what I have done this month is learned how to properly eat cake mix.

Everybody loves eating cake mix; as a child its a brilliant part of cake-making and as an adult it's one of the top 3 reasons for cake-making. However, the correct amount to consume has always evaded me. Not enough and you are left wanting more and even the sweet, aromatic, oven-fresh cake won't satisfy your craving its like sticking it to a cheap whore when what you really want is your wife back. Too much and you feel so unutterably sick that you can't move for a while, have the food sweats and feel wretched for your careless binging. Like sticking too much to a cheap whore and procuring a nasty itch.


Since being 27, I have learned how to eat it without feeling sick and without feeling cheated. The clue is in the mastication. And it won't send you blind. Cake mix is so smooth and liquid that it is hard to leave it in your mouth for any length of time. You have to resist the immediate swallow every few mouthfuls so that your mouth gets the full pleasure of the mix. I have not counted the amount of spoon/spatula/hand fuls. I can just sense it. Probably because I'm 27.

To recap, thus far since being 27 I have learned how to:

. Month 1: Shave my legs
. Month 2: Eat cake mix

Its like that 'I went to the supermarket and bought....' game. Except it's not an alphabet or supermarket based memory game. Its my actual real-live life.